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I’m back…again!

Wow….it’s been forever! I actually forgot that I have a blog till I visited Su’s blog. I couldn’t even figure out what was my username (and blog address)…had to find the link through Su’s blog (again!) 😞😞😞

Anyways…now that I have Internet and a good tool to online…I guess I can’t give anymore excuses for not blogging.:)

Will be updating soon. In the time being, I’m proud to share it is possible to eat durian without dirtying your fingers 😜

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victory is ours

i often look back and feel really embarrassed as to why i ever give in to the devil. he knows my weakness and also knows that i wish to draw near to God more than I ever wanted for the past 2 years. and so he plants thoughts into my mind, based on my weakness; jealousy, envy, pride.

i know very well that the devil likes to tempt those who wishes to draw near to God. how can i not know? we have been studying how Jesus got tempted shortly after he got baptised for the past 3 weeks. you would think that i should know better than anyone else. and how can i forget my personal experience of `going crazy’ just after 4 days of getting baptised?

still, i failed. i was at a very low point 2 days ago. crying and crying. all because i know my weakness and yet i wasn’t able to overcome it. but thank God! after 2 days of silence, i understand very well that, yes it is my weakness, and i have dealt with it years ago, and i should be able to deal with this time too. I should not doubt how God works within my heart because I have tasted His sweetness before. He will never let me down.

sad and proud to say, the devil lost this time. and victory is ours. im really sorry if i offended anyone or make anyone worry in the past 2 days. there’s a lesson to be learned; when you turn to Him, the devil use all his might to drown you – it could be your weakness, or temptations. fret not, stand strong. for our Lord Jesus Christ has won the battle! trust in Him and you’ll win too.

:)

many years ago, i remember a friend telling me ` the reason why u are so pessimistic is because u do not have God’s love in u’

i never truly understood what she meant until i came to uk about 6 years ago. going to church, bible study realised that only God can change me. with God’s love in me, i can care for others, love others and most of all love myself. i often tell people, i believe because i have faith that God can change me, mould me, train me to be a better person.

it’s nearly 5 years since i got baptised. have i changed? i thought i did. but time after time, the same issue comes back to haunt me. because of this issue, this person, i hate myself more. i hate the fact that this so-called love that i have for others is not real. is God really helping me? changing me? why do i need to struggle again & again? jealousy, envy….why? why cant i just be like anyone else? has my family brought me up to be like this? am i affected by my family? am i a disturbed child? why?

i wish that i can go back to be part of the clique. i wish that i could laugh and have fun with others. but today, i just want to hide myself. i wish to stay here forever. even that is not enough. if i could have 1 wish now, i wish for myself to be banished from all people that i know. i want to just hide somewhere where no one knows me and hopefully i can start as someone `new’. someone unknown to anyone. someone unknown to anywhere.

i do not appreciate any comments or emails right now. please do not make any attempt to contact me.

i wanna be alone.

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gibberish rant

im so fedup with this transition state!

half wished that i never made this decision…and half wished that i can just let go of all my things and fly back with just 1 suitcase…or even better- no suitcase!!!

so irritating trying to distinguish what is useful and what’s not….of course i want everything, if not, i wouldnt have bought it in the first place

arghhhhhhhhh

so frustrating!!! cant sell anything cos i hate posting things online….can i not just open my door and invite ppl to come in and buy things?

so angry….so so so angry!!! with myself….

even today, couldn’t concentrate and play well…i couldn’t even record 1 good song…

sigh…

*end of my rant*

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the truth of the big M

Most girls will understand when we say `M’ ah, especially when you ask `why are you so tired’ or `why are you so grumpy’

M or also known as AV (aunty visit NOT the japanese AV) or Red Flag day…whatever you call it, it’s just another term for us girls to tell each other that the embarrassing time is here.

Well, a normal average girl usually have their Aunty come and visit them every 28-30 days. Well, I’m not average. Nor am I normal. Aunty seems to dislike me. Aunty only likes to visit me every now and then. Most of the time 1.5-2months. Don’t ask why. No one really knows. Even those in white coats with scribbly writing don’t know. And when their hugea** brain which is filled with all sort of knowledge doesn’t give them a proper scientific answer, they tell me it’s stress.

So Aunty doesn’t like stress. Aunty must be a stressful aunty too, cos if Aunty is happy, then Aunty will be like visiting me all the time to take the stress out of me. So the more Aunty don’t visit, the more stress I become and as a result, the more Aunty wont visit me😦

The thing is, I don’t really feel stress STRESS. I mean, of course every now and then we feel like stranggling ourselves someone and pull out our their hair. To me, stress comes and go, and it is alwiz just for a moment, an hour, a day, or maybe a week. But Aunty wont visit me for months!! Like this time, Aunty neglected me for about 4months. 4months weh!!! can you imagine how stressED I was? But I didn’t feel the stress. I was still happy. Occasionally when I’m alone, walking down a busy road, my mind is buzzing with thoughts. But hell stress? hell no!

But one thing I discovered this morning, stress is very sneaky. It creeps into your mind & heart without you knowing. So subconsciously, I was pretty stress. Wanna know HOW i found out?

The answer is : this morning Aunty finally realise Im less stressed and come and visit me. But why am I less stressed? Cos yesterday night, I finally put my feet down and made THE decision for A SINGLE, ONE WAY journey. geddit?geddit?😀

Although I am still waiting for a confirmation email, but I guess the heavy burden on my shoulder and heart has been lifted up tremendously. And my dear Aunty definitely sensed it too :p

So, for whoever that thinks that stress is not related to your Aunty’s visit, you are wrong. If anyone out there who thinks that you are not stressed, you are wrong too. Everyone is stressed in many different ways. Just that you don’t know it, like me.

And finally, for whoever who thinks that I’ve been way too emotional for the past or 3months, I apologise. You NORMAL girls have 2weeks of PMS, i have 2months of PMS ok? So bear with me next time. teeeheee😀

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7 reasons why i am still a miss

i came across this article as i was going onto yahoo to check my email.

let’s see how true is it :p

You’re not trying (true)
You may enjoy spending every evening at home in front of the telly, but if that’s the case you have no grounds for complaints about not having a boyfriend. Funnily enough, Mr Perfect isn’t hiding under your bed waiting for the right time to sweep you off your comfy slipper-clad feet. If you want to find him, you’re going to have to put yourself out there. Yes, that means getting up off the sofa and socialising. The occasional night in watching the box is fine, just as long as you’re making the most of your social network and mingling as much as possible the rest of the time.

You’re too fussy (true)
Happily married author of romantic fiction Jenny Colgan has some expert insight for those of you with a long and detailed checklist against which every potential lover must be measured. “Great long-term relationships aren’t made from interests in common, political allegiance, shared belief systems or hobbies. They’re made from people being thoughtful about one another. Emptying the dishwasher. Listening to their day. Saying please and thank you. Treating them as you would anyone you really liked and admired. It’s easier to say ‘I’d walk over broken glass for you’ than it is to take the bins out every night.” So ditch the checklist and start dating with an open-mind.

You’re too busy to date  (untrue)
If you’re serious about finding love, you have to stop hiding behind excuses like ‘I’ haven’t got time to date.” Or “I’m too busy with work.” Is your job really so time-consuming that you genuinely can’t spare the time to go out for a quick drink with someone new? It sounds more like you may be using your super-hectic lifestyle as a buffer to avoid potential intimacies. Slow down and make time for dating instead of using work as the reason not to face your fear of dating.

You’re a pessimist (true)
It may sound harsh, but you shouldn’t be dating at all if you’re just going through the motions with a negative “I’ll never meet anyone” attitude. So you’ve had a few bad dates, and faced rejection. It’s all part of the ups and downs of dating and you need to be strong enough to brush it off and not become disillusioned. Take a more positive approach to meeting new people. After all, if you don’t believe there’s someone out there for you, you’re never going to find him.

You’re trying too hard (untrue)
Being too invested in finding the ‘one’ is a common mistake among women. Devoting all your time and energy to your true love search may seem like a project worthy of your full attention, but you could come off looking desperate. And being overly keen to get coupled-up may also lead you to settling for less than you deserve. Keep up with other interests, see friends, pursue hobbies and get involved with things because you genuinely get something out of them not just because you think they’re the path to finding true love.

You’re unapproachable (true)
If you surround yourself with a gaggle of girlfriends whenever you’re out, the man of your dreams is unlikely to fight his way through the crowd to ask you out. If you’re out on the pull, it’s better to go out in a smaller group of one or two friends so it’s easier for you to get noticed and approached. Similarly if you walk around with your headphones on, or always have your nose in a book, you’re unwittingly switching off potential avenues for being approached and asked out. Leave your iPod at home for a change, step out of your personal bubble and engage with the world around you. Make yourself more approachable by smiling at strangers, making eye-contact, and maybe even striking up a conversation.

You’re hung up on your ex (true)
If you find yourself talking a lot about your previous relationship when you’re out on a date, it means you’re probably not ready to be dating yet. Ex-talk is never attractive to a potential partner and negative talk about former loves may end up showing you in a less than flattering light. Make yourself a rule never to bring up the subject of former partners and stick to it. Even if you’re asked about it, there’s always a way to brush the ex-talk aside.

sigh.